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What happened to my friends?

I thought I had friendships and people who cared about me but as more time passes since losing my job it’s become clear that most of the people I called ‘friends’ weren’t that at all.

I was just a conductor that connected them to the their REAL friend. The REAL reason they were in my presence: media access.

Either their message benefited from talking with me and being in my circle or their careers did, or both.

I’ve come to this conclusion because I don’t hear from these people anymore.

Do I need a daily chat with them? No.

But as much as it’s easy to send a quick text, it’s just as easy to forget about someone. To me, every person I’ve come into contact with is a potential friend. If I have you in my Contacts list, I can send you a quick text.

Now, you’re asking ‘why don’t YOU send THEM a text?’ Easy. I’ve done that already.

Why can’t they reciprocate?!

I’m tired of having to be the ‘friend who checks in.’ I’m tired of having to be the one who initiates the care. WHY CAN’T THEY!?

I’ve sent texts, I’ve called, messaged, all of it.


Am I sensitive? No, not really. But when you’ve gone through what I have since last October (maybe even since March 2020) you start to lose your ‘steely, crusty shell.’ and not having people send you a ‘what’s up?’ text even every few weeks starts to wear on you.

I sure could use some friends these days.

I unexpectedly lost my job of 17 years, lost a father in law, lost a grandfather in law and slowly watched my own father further succumb to Alzheimers. I found out that my own mother is a toxic narcissist, and pretty much confirmed that I was sexually assaulted as a kid.

I don’t want to minimize the people who came out of the woodwork to help me and the family out when I lost my job and Jodie’s Dad died. They came strong with either money, food or both and we’ll never forget those people. In fact, when COVID is over and we’re no longer locked down we’re gonna have a party for those people who helped us out.

These people are saints.

But that’s the easy stuff, right?

Where’s the long term friendship?

Where’s my friend who I can talk to about anything?

Where’s the like-minded party animal who re-ignited the wild kid in me?

They’re gone.

And, yeah, everyone’s busy, I get it. But I’ve been able to take 30 seconds to text someone a ‘how ya doing?’ text. WHY THE FUCK CAN’T THEY?!

I hate to sound overly dramatic here. I can’t stand people who complain too much but this is something that’s really dug a nook in my brain and won’t let go.

Maybe it comes from being raised in the military where we’d pick up and move every 3 years and in addition to a new address, I’d have a new set of friends (goodbye old friends!)

Whatever the reason or motivation: it’s there. The feeling of not having any friends is there and I can’t shake it.

I just need to know that people still care. I just need to know that the friends I had before October 2020 are actually friends.

Otherwise, this betrayal will lie there and slowly turn me even more cynical and jaded.

I don’t want to be cynical and jaded.

I want friends.

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